Sharing the mental load in your relationship
Have you ever felt exhausted by how much you have to do in one day?
Make a shopping list. Take the washing down. Check work messages. Clean the floors. Walk the dog. Grab coffee with a friend. Get to the gym. Go shopping. Pay the bills. Check in with your parents. Organise a birthday party. Cook dinner. Make another shopping list…
The list may never be complete, and often requires multitasking while trying to remember everything you need to get done. When you have a partner or children, your list can grow to staggering heights.
This invisible labour is often referred to as the mental load – everything you need to get done to effectively manage your responsibilities. The ability to mentally manage your responsibilities isn't necessarily a bad thing, but this extensive "cognitive work" can start to feel like a never-ending task list you can't take a break from (Daminger, 2019).
When you're in a committed relationship, you might imagine this burden would be lessened. Couples share responsibilities equally, right?
The reality of 'hidden labour' on women
Unfortunately, research has shown that the burden of extra work most often falls to women in relationships. Even if a couple feels they 'share' things like housework or social responsibilities, women are more likely to:
Feel responsible for how things get done.
Remind their partners to complete chores.
Set the standards for mealtimes and cleanliness.
Coordinate and supervise support for children and pets (Daminger, 2019).
You might argue that it’s a choice to feel responsible for something. However, what many of the women carrying the mental load actually feel is that these things won't get done if they aren't the one remembering it (or reminding their partner about it) in the first place.
It isn't just a matter of doing the task. You need to remember to do it, plan time in your day for it, and manage any obstacles that might get in the way. For example, something that may seem as simple as taking the bins out might really look more like this:
Remember which bin or bins go out on which day.
You look at your calendar to check the collection date. Then you remember you have a project due at work on Tuesday and the dog has a vet appointment in the morning. You make a mental note of those things, then carry on.
Make sure all the bins in the house are emptied, even the little ones.
As you walk around your home, you tidy other things in every room. You throw a tissue in the bin, grab your partner’s water glass off their bedside table, and make a mental note to remind them to put things away when they’re finished with them.
Check to see if you need more bin bags.
As you refill the bin liners, you keep a mental tally of how many are left. Will they last until next week? Now that you’re thinking about your shopping list, you notice a few other things in the kitchen that need to be added.
Take the bin out before bed (or remind your partner to do it).
Your partner is the one who usually takes the bins out so you start the day with a helpful reminder. It's not that they don't do it – it's just that they don't always remember. Throughout the day, you keep noticing the bins haven't been brought out yet. Eventually, you just do it. You were going out anyway so you might as well take them.
Sounds exhausting, doesn't it?
That’s how easy it is for a simple household task to become an all-day mental burden. This is the real cost of mental labour. Distraction, mental clutter, and the thankless stress of always having to remember and monitor (Daminger, 2019). When you add in the responsibilities of work, children, pets, and socialising, it's easy to see how one "simple" task can lead to overwhelm for someone in a relationship.
Why this is an equality issue
A lot of this extra mental work comes from societal expectations that filter into individual ideas of how a relationship should work. Women – especially married women – simply have more expectations on them once they are settled in a relationship.
Studies have shown that women tend to increase the time they spend on housework in an established relationship, even more so if they become mothers. Men tend to decrease their housework time, especially once they become fathers. Women have been found to naturally do more housework and care work, even if they aren't married or living together (Pepin, Sayer, and Casper, 2018).
"But my partner is great at helping out," you might be thinking (we hope!). It is true that in modern society, men are generally doing more routine housework than they have been. But studies are still finding that most domestic responsibilities are still relegated to women, either through asking for the chore to be done, or organising tasks between partners (Carlson et al., 2016).
So while mental work might be a natural way for women to cope with the demands on their time, it also becomes another load for them to try and balance that is perceived as invisible, abstract, and insignificant to any real issue (Daminger, 2019). This means the balance is off in relationships from the start, with more of an imbalance as time goes on.
It’s worth noting at this point that in same-sex relationships, there tends to be more equality between partners. Emotional work is shared more fairly and partners appreciate each other’s efforts more, with better outcomes for general wellbeing (Gotta et al., 2011). Fairness really is good for you!
How to share the load
To help ease your partner’s mental load, there are a few things you can do.
Sharing is caring. Pick up a broom, plan the meals for the week, take the dog for a walk… Notice the things your partner does in your day-to-day life, and do them – without being asked to. You can schedule reminders in your phone if it helps you keep track.
Offer to do something while they relax. If your partner’s brain is constantly whirring, it can be hard for them to take time to rest. Why not set up a cosy movie night for them, or run them a bath? Take a task off their list while they relax to help them feel seen and secure.
Do chores together. Studies have found that women get most enjoyment out of doing housework when their partner helps them (Sullivan, 2013). Water the plants while they mop the floors, or wipe down the counters while they clean the fridge. This is a subtle way to help them feel more supported.
Increase intention to increase intimacy. While traditional gender roles might be attractive to some, the relationships where men and women share responsibilities have been found to increase communication, security, happiness, and sexual intimacy. On average, households where housework was shared had more sex and more conversations, reporting significantly higher relationship satisfaction due to a perceived 'fairness' between partners (Carlson et al., 2016).
Remember – you're a part of this relationship too!
It may feel easier to let your partner manage things, set up your reminders, or be the one to pick up what you missed. But this plays a part in the inequalities women face, and can come at a significant cost to her health and happiness. Just increasing your awareness of this can take you out of the unconscious rhythm of 'performing' your gendered role, bringing you instead into a place of support and connection with her (Sullivan, 2013).
References
Carlson, D.L., Miller, A.J., Sassler, S. and Hanson, S. (2016). The gendered division of housework and couples” sexual relationships: A reexamination. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(4), pp.975–995. doi:10.1111/jomf.12313.
Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), pp.609–633. doi:10.1177/0003122419859007.
Gotta, G., Green, R.-J., Rothblum, E., Solomon, S., Balsam, K., & Schwartz, P. (2011). Heterosexual, lesbian, and gay male relationships: A comparison of couples in 1975 and 2000. Family Process, 50(3), 353–376. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2011.01365.x
Pepin, J.R., Sayer, L.C. and Casper, L.M. (2018). Marital status and mothers’ time use: Childcare, housework, leisure, and sleep. Demography, 55(1), pp.107–133. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0647-x.
Sullivan, O. (2013). What do we learn about gender by analyzing housework separately from Child Care? Some considerations from time-use evidence. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 5(2), pp.72–84. doi:10.1111/jftr.12007.