Adopted children and couple relationships
There are many different reasons why people choose to adopt, but they all have something in common. While adoption may be an unexpected decision for some parents, it is rarely unplanned. When adopting as a couple, you and your partner will most likely have many long conversations to get to a place where you feel that adoption is the right path for you, and you may do extensive research into how it all works.
One aspect of adoption that isn’t often talked about is the effect it will have on you as a couple. No matter how joyous, the transition to parenthood presents challenges to every relationship involved, and this is no less true with adoption.
Children’s experience of adoption
When a child is adopted into a family home, it can bring a welcome stability into their life that can help them recover from any traumatic effects their previous experiences might have left. But it can also bring a complex range of emotions as they navigate a sense of loss, as well as changes in identity and attachment. As your child gets older their understanding of adoption will evolve. This is why it’s important to be open with your communication and consistent with your support as they grow up (Baxter, 2001).
The average age for adoption in the UK is around three years and most children will spend a period of time in care before a placement is made (Adoption UK, 2025). This matters because the period from six months to three years old is a crucial time for children as they develop what’s known as their ‘attachment style’. In this period, children learn about things like safety, trust, and emotional connections based on the responses they get from their caregivers (NSPCC, 2021).
Children’s brains adapt to their environment. When a child has a difficult start in life, things like stress and insecurity can set in. The good news is that being adopted into a nurturing home gives them a chance to reset. This won’t happen overnight and many children will struggle initially. Early on, you may notice that they avoid eye contact or disengage when you try to connect, and it may be hard for them to seek comfort. But children are adaptable – with consistent, healthy, positive interactions, they can start to form a more secure attachment with you and your partner, and a growing sense of self as they develop (The Attachment Project, 2022).
How adoption affects your relationship
Providing this level of care takes time, energy, and commitment. Like all new parents, you will have less time for yourselves and less time to dedicate to your relationship as your priorities change. Unlike biological parents, you may face additional challenges due to the processes you need to comply with as part of the adoption.
Being aware of these changes can make a big difference to how you approach them, and good communication can help you both feel more confident as you enter the process of adoption. Rather than seeing this as a list of things to worry about, try to see it as a list of things to talk about as you get ready for the change:
Uncertainty. Before you can formally adopt a child, you will need to be assessed to make sure your home is suitable, followed by an initial placement period where the child comes to stay with you for short visits. After this a court order can be granted, making the adoption permanent and giving you parental responsibility for the child (Department for Education, 2017).
Motivation. If one of you is more hesitant about adopting than the other, the placement period can shine a light on this in a way that doesn’t happen with biological parents.
Scrutiny. Going through social service assessments can make it feel like someone is testing whether you are fit to be a parent. All this testing and waiting can make you feel powerless and may ramp up the stress early on.
Bonding. The pre-adoption placement can be a tricky balance. One of you may bond closely with the child while the other holds back waiting to find out if a formal order will be granted. This can be a delicate matter if you have different approaches.
Additional needs. Many of the children awaiting adoptive parents have complex emotional and behavioural needs. This may mean your family needs to maintain connections with social services at first.
Babysitting. During the placement period, your social worker may need to approve any babysitters you employ, leading to further planning and limited options.
Preference. Your child may show preference for one parent over the other. While this might be connected to your child’s history, it can be comforting to remember that many biological parents also go through similar experiences. Try to let go of any jealousy or competitive feelings – keep your focus on creating a safe and supportive environment for the child, trusting that your relationship may evolve and grow with time (Goldberg, et al. 2014).
These challenges are all real possibilities, but they needn’t leave you feeling disheartened. Keep them in mind but don’t let them take over, and make sure you keep talking to each other. A big change like this can be a wonderful shared experience that allows you and your partner to figure out new ways of relating to each other. In fact, research has shown that many couples who adopt have found that it brings them closer together (Goldberg et al., 2014).
Establishing parental roles before the child is with you, such as who will be in charge of general caregiving and the day-to-day logistics (eg school drop offs, sick-day cover, primary contact, etc.), can help avoid tension when the child is present. This is particularly important to consider if adopting older children who might have preconceived notions about parenting roles and family dynamics. If you’re worried, keep in mind that the quality of care you provide matters more than the setup of your family (The Attachment Project, 2022).
Talk with you partner about your needs, your hopes, your fears, and your dreams – and remember to listen to theirs too. The level of commitment and cooperation between you and your partner can help you feel less stressed. Even in difficult times, communication can help build trust (Lionetti et al., 2015).
Even when the challenges that come with adoption are bigger than expected, it doesn’t take away from the rewarding feelings and moments when you offer a child the chance of a stable home and family. You never know – it may be the most rewarding experience of your life (Neil et al., 2017).
References
Adoption UK. (2025) Adoption data published today obscures reality of declining adopter numbers and long waits for children. https://www.adoptionuk.org/news/adoption-data-published-today-obscures-reality-of-declining-adopter-numbers-and-long-waits-for-children
Baxter, C. (2001). Understanding adoption: A developmental approach. Paediatrics & Child Health, 6(5), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1093/pch/6.5.281
Department for Education. (2017). Children looked after in England (including adoption), year ending 31 March 2017. Retrieved from https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/children-looked-after-in-england-including-adoption-2016-to-2017
Goldberg, A. E., Kinkler, L. A., Moyer, A. M., & Weber, E. (2014). Intimate Relationship Challenges in Early Parenthood among Lesbian, Gay, and Heterosexual Couples Adopting via the Child Welfare System. Professional Psychology, Research and Practice, 45(4), 221–230. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037443
Lionetti, F., Pastore, M., & Barone, L. (2015). Parenting Stress: The Roles of Attachment States of Mind and Parenting Alliance in the Context of Adoption. Parenting, 15(2), 75–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2015.1020142
National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. (2021, August 10). Attachment and child development. NSPCC Learning. https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years
Neil, B., Young, J., Hartley, L., Sirbu, I., Morcina, M., Holmes, L., & Lushey, C. (2017). A Survey Of Adoptive Families: Following up children adopted in the Yorkshire and Humberside region. Norwich: University of East Anglia, Centre for Research on Children and Families. Retrieved from http://www.uea.ac.uk/documents/3437903/0/A+survey+of+adoptive+families+Beth+Neil+oct+12+2017.pdf/13fd5292-2ef3-d283-7a77-9399f6947d86
The Attachment Project. (2022, November 12). Attachment Theory and Adoption. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/adoption-attachment-theory/